Listen up single people. I came up with a sure fire pickup line that I’ll never be able to use.* The next time you’re chatting with a potential mate at wherever you talk to potential mates — the local pub, the grocery store, a back alley craps game — at some point in the conversation get a very stern look on your face and say, “Look, I think it’s time we got down to brass tacks, here.” Then pull a handful of brass tacks out of your pocket. The potential outcomes are:
1) They laugh at the joke. If this happens they are obviously highly unstable. Run away while throwing the tacks behind you to slow their pace.
2) If they snort and tell you that’s the stupidest joke they’ve ever heard then throw wine (or craps dice) in your face, well screw ’em. They’re obviously no fun.
3) If they smile and also pull out a handful of brass tacks, then you’ve struck brass…I mean gold! At this point whip out the “Insta-Marriage Certificate(tm)” you can purchase from my website for $19.95 and get that deal sealed.
*Unless the wife tells me just one more damn time that I need to cut my toe nails.