BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement

Clif Haley
2 min readSep 5, 2022

An announcement by the Scientific Coalition of Universal Measurements (SCUM) to adopt “golf ball-sized hailstone” as an official scientific unit of measurement shook the scientific community to its core* today. I sat down with SCUM’s director, Dr. Winston Tugshaft, to learn more.

ME: Based on this new development, how large would you say this rock I found outside is?

DR. TUGSHAFT: Roughly the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone.

ME: Interesting. And what about this?

DR. TUGSHAFT: What is that?

ME: It’s a golf ball.

DR. TUGSHAFT: That appears to be about the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone, but more precise observations could tell us more.

As one might expect, the meteorology community couldn’t be happier. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Dr. Patricia Thirp, head of Marginal Accuracy at the Meteorology Institute of Lower Gruntsville, Texas. “We’ve been going on about golf ball-sized hail for decades. It’s nice to finally see the greater scientific community finally catch on.” When asked if she was surprised at the recent development she stated, “I figured there was a 30% chance of it happening today, with maybe a 20% chance of it happening…



Clif Haley

Sometimes Clif eats pizza with a fork, but usually not. He has somehow managed to get published in MuddyUm, The Haven, & Doctor Funny.