Huh?!

Random Acts of Literary Stupidity №3

One-off stupid thoughts on various topics.

Clif Haley

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Image of man realizing he left valuable items in his burning house such as a Star Trek DVD box set and his wife and child: Dreamstime.com

DR. JACKSON: My name is Dr. James “Jimmy” Jackson, Jr., and I am a professor of black physics.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, do you mean you’re a Black professor of physics?

DR. JACKSON: No. I mean, I specialize in black physics. You know, black holes, dark matter, and the like.

INTERVIEWER: Interesting. What do you have to say about the star NASA just discovered? I believe it was a white dwarf?

DR. JACKSON: A white dwarf, you say? Hmm, I do believe that is outside my wheelhouse. Let me refer you to my colleague Dr. Kip “Skipper” Anderson, III.

I’ve worked up this scientific representation of 75% of the conversations I have with my son.

SON: Dad, can I ask you a question but pay absolutely no attention to the answer?

ME: Why, of course you can, son!

SON: What?

These simple few lines below illustrates the difference in how myself and my over-protective wife might tell our son what to do in the event of a house fire:

ME: If there’s ever a fire in here. Get the hell out.

WIFE: If there’s ever a fire in here climb out the window, but first make sure there’s no burglars or murders marching toward the house or sexual predators flying overhead in hot air balloons. Also, if you have time, make sure you turn off the lights in your room. If the house doesn’t burn all the way down we don’t want a high electric bill.

BREAKING MUSIC NEWS: Rockers White Zombie have dropped “white” from their name to show solidarity with zombies of color. Inspired by this move, Black Sabbath have dropped both “black” and “sabbath” from their name so as to not offend members of the African-American or religious communities. They will now be known as Ozzy and Ozztones.

I’ve decided to run for president. My only campaign promise is that if elected I will establish a mandatory minimum walking speed in airports. Walking slower than this will get you sent to a re-education camp.

I’ve been thinking about trying to build a ship in a bottle. Anyone know where I can get a bottle big enough to fit me and a bunch of 2x4s in it?

If God truly loved us, he would have made chickens entirely out of thigh meat.

You know the lack of sophistication of the average customer at your local Walmart has hit a new low when they decide to stop selling Dijon mustard.

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Clif Haley

Sometimes Clif eats pizza with a fork, but usually not. He has somehow managed to get published in MuddyUm, The Haven, & Doctor Funny.