Staying Fit During the Pandemic: 5 Tips from an Unqualified Nobody
NOTE: If by the time you read this COVID is no longer a devastating global inconvenience, please substitute whatever hellish nightmare is ruining people’s travel plans in your time, such as solar flares, gigantic insectoid monsters awakened by deep sea earthquakes, acne, etc.
Staying physically fit during a worldwide pandemic can be difficult. Trust me. I’ve found it so difficult I haven’t even tried. I’m normally a very fit guy when not self-quarantined and go on a two mile wog at least 5 days a week, but the Coronavirus pandemic has put a stop to that. I won’t be caught dead outside wogging for fear that I’ll actually be caught dead outside wogging.
Oh, what’s a “wog” you ask? A wog is a combination of a walk and a jog, wherein you jog until your lungs feel like they’re full of flaming hot Cheetos and/or your shin bones begin crumbling into a fine powder. Then you walk, or in some extreme cases, crawl. Naturally, wogging cannot, and should not, be done when the atmosphere is visibly hazy with airborne disease particles like it is right outside my window. Or is that pollen? Either way, I’m sure Dr. Fauci would totally agree with me here.
But I’ve had enough of this lazy quarantine lifestyle! I’m tired of feeling bloated and sluggish instead of just sluggish! I’m tired of sitting on my currently disease-free butt all day! I’m tired of my jowls being so fat that when I try to put on an expensive medically approved face mask it rips to shreds like bicycle shorts on a manatee! And I’m sure you are too, which is why today I’ve put together five easy exercises that can be done right from the comfort of your own home! I’ll be right over!
Exercise #1: Getting Out of Bed
If you haven’t tried getting out of bed during this pandemic I highly recommend it. There really is no better way to get your heart pumping in the morning or late afternoon and of staving off pesky bed sores, which look terrible in Zoom meetings. The process is very simple. When you wake up — hear me out, now — get out of bed. Now, the key to real long term success here is to not immediately go back to bed.
Pro tip: If you want to enhance this workout to really get the most out of it, simply sleep with several cinder blocks on your chest. Again, I’m sure Dr. Fauci would totally agree with me here.
Exercise #2: Doing Pee-Shups
This is a great way of incorporating a quick workout into an everyday task you’re already doing. Every time you go to the bathroom to pee, which is probably quite often given how much beer you’re drinking while “working from home”, do 15 pushups when you’re done. This is why I call them “pee-shups”! Get it? By doing pee-shups you’ll easily get in 45–75 pushups every workday, or if you’re like me and you take a diuretic for high blood pressure, around 750 or so.
Pro tip: Avoid doing pee-shups while peeing.
Exercise #3: Getting the Mail
Unless you live in one of those fancy big city homes with a mail slot in the front door that only exists in movies, you probably have a mailbox somewhere out in front of your house. And, like me, you probably haven’t braved the poisonous air outside in weeks to go check your mail for fear of breaking out with COVID boils before you even make it halfway there. Well, good news! Recent studies have shown that COVID boils are something I just made up, so it’s now safer than ever for you to sprint to your mailbox! If the state of your mailbox is anything like mine it’s probably stuffed with so much junk mail that the rivets holding it together are quivering under the strain. This will allow you to make multiple heart healthy trips.
Pro tip: Jumping up and down while you run will help you avoid completely harmless waves of 5g radiation, but be warned. Your neighbors might use that same 5g radiation to alert local authorities to your erratic behavior via their smartphones.
Exercise #4: Pacing
Have you ever been to a zoo and watched a lion pacing around his cage while looking at you and your family like an all-you-can eat buffet? Have you ever noticed how strong and toned that lion looks? Surely, you see where I’m going with this. Pacing is a great way to get exercise while ruminating on the dire, unfair circumstances you’ve found yourself in and plotting sweet, sweet revenge on your enemies, like Beth in accounting who thinks she’s just sooo clever with that image of Fort Knox she uses as her Zoom background in meetings. Harhar! We get it Beth. You’re in accounting! Stupid Beth.
Pro tip: I’d sincerely like to apologize to Beth. Sorry Beth, it’s just that these COVID boils are really starting to get to me.
Exercise #5: Angrily Barking at Squirrels Through the Window
You know who hasn’t slowed down one bit since this lock down lifestyle hit us? Our two small dogs, Leche and Shay-Shay. They are ever vigilant, waiting patiently around the house until a squirrel so much as metabolizes a single acorn molecule within a 50 foot radius at which point they launch into a frenzy of barking and jumping so animated that I’m surprised they haven’t burned off enough calories to simply vanish in a poof of pampered dog dust by now. And their workout routine isn’t limited to squirrels. Often they’ll work out by losing their minds at slight breezes, leaves falling from trees, and sometimes, literally nothing at all.
Pro tip: Anybody in the market for two small, annoying dogs?
So there you go folks. No more excuses. Now that you have 5 easy and entirely practical ways of staying fit during lockdown don’t you feel empowered? Don’t you feel energized? Don’t you feel extremely guilty for not immediately leaping out of your chair, bed, or the pile of old pizza boxes on the floor where you passed out last night to begin your workout the very second you finish this sentence? I know I sure do, but I really should rest up for this next Zoom meeting. I’m sure Dr. Fauci would totally agree with me here.
