HAPPY B-DAY FILES

This Was the Best 26th Birthday I’ve had Since 1974

A Thanks to Happy Birthday Wishers Everywhere

Clif Haley

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I would like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes! You all have made this, my 26th birthday, very special. Never I have felt so good to be turning 26! It’s something of a miracle I’m turning 26 years old considering I was born in 1974, but let’s not quibble over the particulars. Instead let’s all simply celebrate the fact that I, now being 26 years old, have thoroughly enjoyed all of the happy birthday wishes from you fine folks on this, my 26th birthday.

Looking back at all the time that has passed since I was born (26 years) it’s amazing to think of all the changes that have happened in the world. There have been globally important events that shook the very foundations of society to its core, such as J.R. being shot and the Jefferson’s moving on up, to amazing advancements in technology, such as Betamax and the McDonald’s McDLT which allowed anyone — not just the world’s wealthy elites — to keep the hot side of their McDonald’s burger hot and the cold side cold. Such a raging success was this culinary innovation that we are still talking about it today despite it losing McDonald’s roughly $128,342,965,328,559.07 in revenue and causing them to sell off the Fry Guys on the black market to work in third world culinary sweat shops.*

But amazing developments didn’t stop there. They carried on into the 90s and 2000s producing further wonders. There are far too many to discuss here so I’ll just sum up with a short bullet-point list of the most impressive and impactful developments in chronological order:

  • Very slow internet.
  • Those JNCO jeans with the gigantic legs that no one looked good in no matter how many wallet chains and frosted tips they had.
  • Very fast internet.

Based on this track record, I’m very much looking forward to what wonders are yet to come! With current advancements in A.I. and virtual reality we may all soon be able to look terrible wearing JNCO jeans in the Metaverse!

For those of you who have not yet wished me happy birthday, don’t worry. I’ll gladly be accepting belated happy birthdays until the end of the week. After that, however, you’ll need to wish someone else a happy birthday or wish me two happy birthdays next year when I’ll be turning 26.

*Where they also contributed to the development of an impressive success in the consumer beverage sector: New Coke. The Fry Guys haven’t been seen since.

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Clif Haley

Sometimes Clif eats pizza with a fork, but usually not. He has somehow managed to get published in MuddyUm, The Haven, & Doctor Funny.