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Clif Haley
Clif Haley

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BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement

An announcement by the Scientific Coalition of Universal Measurements (SCUM) to adopt “golf ball-sized hailstone” as an official scientific unit of measurement shook the scientific community to its core* today. I sat down with SCUM’s director, Dr. Winston Tugshaft, to learn more. ME: Based on this new development, how large…

Humor

2 min read

BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement
BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement
Humor

2 min read


Jan 21

Random Chunks of Literary Stupidity №2

One-off stupid thoughts on various topics. — “It’s taken millions of years of evolution for June bugs to develop the ability to evade predators by flying directly into walls until they beat themselves senseless and die.” - Darwin or possibly Einstein Pro used car shopping tip: The larger the used car salesman’s pinky ring, the better the…

Comedy

2 min read

Random Chunks of Literary Stupidity №2
Random Chunks of Literary Stupidity №2
Comedy

2 min read


Jan 21

I Almost Cut My Hand Off With a Meat Cleaver

Or, saving valuable body parts by avoiding corn and spiders. — The summer before my freshman year in high school, circa late 1980-something, I almost cut my hand off with a meat cleaver. I’m sure I did many other things that summer, many things that didn’t involve losing important chunks of my anatomy, but this is the event that sticks out…

Humor

3 min read

I Almost Cut My Hand Off With a Meat Cleaver
I Almost Cut My Hand Off With a Meat Cleaver
Humor

3 min read


Jan 7

Random Chunks of Literary Stupidity №1

One-off stupid thoughts on various topics. — I’ve always wanted to be a juggler, but I just have too much other stuff going on. Considering how immature I am, I think I’m qualified to make a plea on behalf of all children this holiday season: Please don’t give us (I mean, children) presents in gift bags. We…

Humor

2 min read

Random Chunks of Literary Stupidity №1
Random Chunks of Literary Stupidity №1
Humor

2 min read


Published in MuddyUm

·Dec 9, 2022

Retail Chain Launches Fleet of Robot Customers to Automate Bullshit Demands on Staff

Prime Directive: Attempt purchase return without receipt — Big box retail chain Glutmart announced today via company-wide memo that they will be automating bullshit demands on staff with the help of a fleet of high-tech robots. Through hours of rigorous machine learning, these robots have fine-tuned their AI’s sensors and grommets to perform dumbass customer behavior almost as…

Humor

2 min read

Retail Chain Launches Fleet of Robot Customers to Automate Bullshit Demands on Staff
Retail Chain Launches Fleet of Robot Customers to Automate Bullshit Demands on Staff
Humor

2 min read


Published in The Haven

·Dec 9, 2022

I Regret to Inform You that Mr. Rogers has Denied Your Request to be His Neighbor

Please, will you NOT be my neighbor? — Dear Timmy, I hope this letter finds you well via speedy delivery, however, I fear that after your mother reads this to you, you will probably be very sad. On behalf of Mr. Rogers and all the puppets of The Land of Make Believe, I regret to inform you that…

Humor

3 min read

I Regret to Inform You that Mr. Rogers has Denied Your Request to be His Neighbor
I Regret to Inform You that Mr. Rogers has Denied Your Request to be His Neighbor
Humor

3 min read


Nov 26, 2022

I Bought a Vintage Tandy TRS-80 Model 100 Computer for Some Reason

01010100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01110101 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110010 01101111 01100011 01101011 01110011 00100001 — Step one in my profit-losing goal to open a vintage electronics museum (or not) here in Jasper, Texas called JPEG (Jasper Programmable Electronics Gallery)¹ is complete. I just got this Tandy TRS-80 Model 100 in today with some interesting surprise items…

Humor

2 min read

I Bought a Vintage Tandy TRS-80 Model 100 Computer for Some Reason
I Bought a Vintage Tandy TRS-80 Model 100 Computer for Some Reason
Humor

2 min read


Published in Doctor Funny

·Nov 16, 2022

The Unconscious Farting Virtuoso That is my Wife

And I, the maestro, will bring it to the world! — My wife farted so loudly in her sleep last night that I was both shocked and jealous. The decibel level of this eruption dwarfed any previous gaseous outburst I’ve ever generated. Moreover, it had character and depth to it. There was much more going on than a simple expulsion of…

Humor

2 min read

The Unconscious Farting Virtuoso That is my Wife
The Unconscious Farting Virtuoso That is my Wife
Humor

2 min read


Published in The Haven

·Nov 13, 2022

Why “E.T. the Extraterrestrial” Sucks by Kevin Smugstone

This movie totally sucks, and here’s why. You’re welcome. — My name is Kevin Smugstone (AKA anime_loverboy69), and I’m a rabble-rousing pop culture contrarian. I enjoy nothing more than showing you how the movies, books, and songs you love are absolute trash, and that anyone who enjoys them possess no more brain power than a sleeve of saltine crackers. …

Satire

3 min read

Why “E.T. the Extraterrestrial” Sucks by Kevin Smugstone
Why “E.T. the Extraterrestrial” Sucks by Kevin Smugstone
Satire

3 min read


Published in The Haven

·Nov 10, 2022

7 Sound Financial Tips Anyone Can Probably Read

These tips will surely impact you financially in some way. — According to several major news outlets, the economy is in a truly terrible state. Of course, no matter what the state of the economy is, major news outlets always tell us it’s in a truly terrible state.¹ …

Humor

3 min read

7 Sound Financial Tips Anyone Can Probably Read
7 Sound Financial Tips Anyone Can Probably Read
Humor

3 min read

Clif Haley

Clif Haley

105 Followers

Sometimes I eat pizza with a fork, but usually not. https://linktr.ee/clifhaley

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